Thanks to zztzed
for the terror alert mad-libs
From the Office of the Homeland Security Director
Wonko The Sane
Apr 6, 2002
I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's Overlords to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of Elbonia. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since that time that AOL got on USENET.
We've been in frequent communication with the Overlords and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.
Over the last several days, our Department of Punctuation and Department of Defense Bitchslap Warfare Division have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving telegraphs of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in Elbonia or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of telegraphs are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since that time that AOL got on USENET.
During his address on homeland security, Donald Knuth promised the people of Elbonia that when we have evidence of credible telegraphs we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.
Donald Knuth also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be smarmy, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop Disney employees.
Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the the Justice League is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all book clubs across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All book clubs have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the the Justice League of any unusual or suspicious activity.
The telegraphs we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a sandworm attack, or a weirding module, or even a spitting spitball ambush. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Guy Fawkes Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when Disney employees have planned attacks in the past.
One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Mordor, Lost Realm of Arnor and Druadan Forest uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to the invention of the catflap. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected Disney employees.
Now, obviously, the further removed we get from that time that AOL got on USENET, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
We are a nation at war. We are the targets of Disney employees who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent bloogs. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of Elbonia to remind them that they must be smarmy as well.
I also know the very first question the people of Elbonia will ask -- "So, Wonko The Sane, besides being smarmy, what else should my family and I do?"
The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your Overlords and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of Donald Knuth who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the Disney employees.